Letters to Myself

I am faced with a very hard point in my life. I have been trying to understand all that I have done to contribute to getting to this place and it is opening up a lot of how I have been living my life with so much fear. When I have resisted against something I am ultimately pitted to face it. While I have realized that in the past new versions of this have come up to make me realize I have not yet learned the lesson to let go of my fears and just live my life to the fullest potential regardless the outcome.

I have allowed myself to become a person I am ashamed of. Not taking real chances or standing up for myself when I’m feeling hurt. Instead, I’ve been rolling with the punches until all I can do is react. Reaction is not my best form of action. My choices have always best been made with compassion and lots of thought behind them.

Lately my intentions have been covered by poor choices and feeling a lack in my life. Instead of focusing on what I do have, I got caught in the perpetual cycle of things I’d like to change. That’s not the worst thing but it has to come with acceptance. Things aren’t working and recognizing that is a good first step. Next should be accepting that I am in that position and allowing myself to be available for opportunities to change those aspects. Then just working on a goal to make that lack into abundance.

Instead I’ve allowed myself to get wrapped up in how to fill in those holes. Part of that has been lack of compassion and self-love. Feelings of inadequacies and an inability to be an equal contributing partner have overtaken my actual abilities of being an emotionally supportive partner. When I think back now I am saddened by where I am and the many ways in which I could have made different choices to have a much different outcome. I cannot change the past or make anyone see me differently or forgive me. I can only learn from my mistakes and take whatever happens in stride.

My emotions have always been very deceitful to me. I have learned over many years how to understand that and not play into them. But again I am only human. Without constant reminders to ground myself it is easy to fly away with whatever is struck by the wind. Today I am here to ground myself. To figure out what path I want to take and understand that it may not be the path I will be able to take.

I cannot change anyone, I cannot fix anything someone is going through. My position in life is to truly be available as support, to be understanding and offer advice for what I feel I would do being put in the same position. This is not about me or what I need or want. I have always had myself and feeling supported, which needs to come from within myself. To put the pressure of that on someone else is unfair and not helpful. There is a lot of pressure that comes with that and can lead to some resentment from both sides. I see that so clearly now.

Going forward what do I actually want from being put at this crossroads? I believe there is a real connection that has been covered with hurtful feelings, mistakes, and assumptions. When I look at an animal that is a pet, there is never a question that they love me or that they are looking for more than what I can provide to them. They are understanding and accepting. It is the same with this connection we have. To try and make sense of it and blame it for being something that is not is counterproductive to what we both want or know. In all of this I hope you can see that there is still a string there holding us together. It hasn’t been completely cut and definitely needs some tending. I don’t think it is lost or that it isn’t as deeply rooted than it actually is. It is you and me.

I accept you for all of you. I will never give up on that, I will never give up on you. Things may need to change in our dynamic to make sure we don’t get to a point of hurting one another to feel something but I don’t think we are completely lost. Those are my feelings. You may not feel the same way and I completely understand that and respect what you feel. If you honestly believe there isn’t a tinge of hope or connection left, then I am willing to take the consequences of my decisions that have caused us to get to this point.

I just ask the universe today to hold space for us to find each other the way we once did. To be able to look into one another’s eyes and see that our love is so pure and can come back from this period of hurt.

 

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